I Have No Words…

One of the most common things I hear from people close to someone who has recently experienced a death is:

“I just don't know what to say.”

And I understand.

We want to say something comforting. 

We want to make things better. 

We don't want to accidentally say the wrong thing.

Sometimes we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing that we don't say anything at all. 

We avoid the grieving person at the funeral. 

We don't make the phone call. 

Months later, we hesitate to mention the person who died because we're afraid we'll remind them of their loss.

But here's something I've learned after working with grieving individuals and families for many years:

You don't need the perfect words.

At the same time, some of the words we reach for in an attempt to make someone feel better can unintentionally make grief harder.

Maybe you've heard some of these:

“She's in a better place.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“God had a plan for him.”

“It was God's will.”

Or, after a few months have passed:

“It should be getting easier by now.”

“It's time to move on.”

Most of these words aren't spoken with bad intentions. Quite the opposite. They're usually offered by people who genuinely care and desperately want to provide some comfort.

The problem is that these phrases can unintentionally try to explain away something that doesn't need an explanation.

When someone is grieving, we don't have to make sense of their loss. 

We don't have to find the silver lining. 

We don't have to remind them of our spiritual beliefs or tell them how they should be feeling by now.

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is simply acknowledge the pain and stay present with them.

That can sound like:

“I wish I had the right words. Just know that I care about you, and I'm here.”

“I don't know exactly how you feel, but I want you to know you're not alone.”

“I'm so sorry. I know how much you loved her.”

“I don't know what to say, but I didn't want that to keep me from reaching out.”

Or even:

“I'm thinking about you today.”

And sometimes there really are no words.

A hug, a hand held, a meal dropped off at the door, or a simple text saying, “I'm here,” may say more than any carefully chosen sentence ever could.

And please don't be afraid to say the person's name.

Grieving people haven't forgotten that their loved one died. Mentioning them won't suddenly remind them. In many cases, hearing someone else speak their loved one's name, share a memory, or acknowledge an anniversary can be a tremendous gift.

Support also matters long after the funeral.

Often, there is an outpouring of love and support in the first days and weeks after a death.

Eventually, the people around them return to their routines and responsibilities. For the grieving person, life may look very different.

That's when a simple message can mean so much:

“I was thinking about Bill today and remembering that story about…”

“I know her birthday is coming up. I'm thinking about you.”

“No need to respond. I just wanted you to know you're on my mind.”

You don't have to fix grief.

You don't have to understand exactly what someone is experiencing.

And you certainly don't need the perfect thing to say.

Sometimes the most loving words are simply:

“I have no words. But I'm here.”